Itong mga Pag-iral (Preview)

Pag-asa sa paglipad 

ng inakay 

payak pa ang disenyo
ng aking mga pakpak
malawak na dagat
ang langit na tanaw
tahimik na titig
ang talas na humihiwa
sa pagsipat ni inang lawin
at kung maaari,
kung maaari
ako’y manatili na lamang
isang munting siyap
sa alon-hangin
dahil kay taas,
kay taas pa ng dapat abutin
upang makilala ako
ng himpapawid.
Ngunit ang bagay na ito’y
Aking dapat tupdin,
Salat man sa maraming hinagap
At may panginginig pa
Itong aking maliliit na pakpak.
Dahil simula itong pangahas
Na pagaspas sa aking pananalig
Sa nagagawa ng hangin
At pagtingala sa kalangitang
Hindi ko pa mawari
Kung nakikinig sa aking
Mga panalangin. 

Sa airport 

Dala-dala ko sa mga maleta
Ang maraming dahilan ng paglisan.
Kaybibigat nila
Na tulad ng pagbitbit ko
Ng limang anak
Sa aking mga matres
At mga balikat.
Kaybibigat nila na tila
Mga sako ng semento
Na araw-araw ay buhat-buhat
Ng aking asawang
Hindi na naiiyak
Sa aking ikatlong paglipad.
Kaybibigat nila
Tulad ng mga hugasing pinggan
Maruruming damit na lalabhan
Mga bibig na susubuan
At mga among yuyukuan
Sa muli kong pangingibang-bayan
Upang iwan din ang bigat
Na dala-dala rin ng ating bayan. 

Ng isang magpapatiwakal 

Bakit ba kayo nalulula
Sa aking kinatatayuan?
Alam kong sa ibabaw nitong billboard
Mas mataas ako sa kung kaninuman.
Kaylaki ng ngiti nitong mestisang artista
Na tila tinatawanan ang aking tagumpay.
Ako, sa tuktok ng dingding, at ang hysteria
Sa sahig ng syudad.
Kayong mga nasa ibaba, nakatingala
Sa pinili kong kasikatan
Masdan niyo ang aking gagawing
Pagsuway sa grabedad.
Huwag kayong matakot
Huwag na kayong masindak
Ako ang magsasa-ibon, papailanlang,
Animo’y isang superman
At walang madudurog,
Walang magagalusan,
Walang masasaktan.
Ako lamang, ako lamang
At ang hangin.
Hindi niyo ito ikamamatay.
Hindi niyo ito kamatayan. 
 
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Paglalayag/Cruising 

Maingat sa paglangoy
Sa tahimik na pagkabalisa
Ang mga mata. 
Walang pinakamalapit
Na distansya
Kundi ang tuwid na titig.
Dalawa. Tatlo. Marami. Isa-
Isang ginagalugad nang palihim 
Ang mga lupalop
Ng pangungulila—
Inaasahang may daramay
      At magbibigay.
Dahil may katawan itong lungkot 
May dila itong tukso 
      At may mahika ang mga ngiti 
Sa kabila ng kawalan 
      Ng mga salita.  


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Larawan ng Galit
(kay Richard Hwang) 

Sa pagkagat mo sa ngitngit
Tila nagigibang bangin
Ang iyong mga bagang. 

Halos malunok mo ang iyong dila
Buong-buo, at di ka makapagsalita. 
Lahat ng bagay ay nanlilisik
At ibinibalik mo ang talasik
Sa pamamagitan ng: 

a) pagsuntok sa hangin
b) pagsuntok mo sa pader
c) pagsuntok mo sa pinakamalapit
    na madadapuan ng iyong kamaong
    may mga bitak. 
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 Pornograpiya 

Erotika (foreplay) 

Labi sa labi:
may kuhol na namamagitan
may kislot na dumadarang
hanggang sa magkabuhol-buhol
ang laway. 

Oral 

Hinihigop ang ipo-ipo
sa ulo ng kabute. 

Pinasasabaw ang kabibe
hanggang humuni ang perlas. 

Dumadaloy ang tamod
hanggang sa maging laway. 

Naglalangis ang vulva
sa baile ng dila. 

Anal 

Sa likod ang entrada
ng naghuhumindig na dahilan 

(kailangang dumulas ang lagusan) 
Ang hapdi ay marahang alon

sa pagtanggap ng tulisan 
(kailangang dumulas ang lagusan) 

Ang luwalhati’y labas-masok
hanggang sa may labasan 

(kailangang dumulas ang lagusan) 
Sa likod ang entrada

na isa ring lagusan 
(kailangan ng pampadulas) 

Coital 
Ginagabayan
ng tunggalian
ang hangad ng dalawang
magkabilang panig. 
Isang digmaan
at madalas madulas
na duwelo ang nagaganap. 
Maraming posibilidad
maraming paraan
iba’t ibang proseso
at posisyon 
Ngunit iisa ang kadalasang 
tinutumbok: 
ang pagpasok
            at paglabas 
ang pagtanggap 
            at pagpapalaya 
ang pag-ibayo 
            ng pagbayo 
ang pagtaas 
            at pagbaba 
ang pagloob
            at pagpapakaloob 
ng dalawang magkabilang bahagi 
ng mga nag-
   iibigang 
 
                   katawan. 

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 Say liket 
I.
Ungkukurung ya ugaw
Kiwel-kiwel ya alumbayar. 
Mangngarakngak ya elek
Makapagigin esaes. 
Untitikyab ya baga-baga
Tan natutunaw ya sorbetes. 
Galaw ya ugugaw:
Tatsing, luksu-baka, kitkit, 
Erel-erelan, sampiruan
Ed liwawa’y bulan,  
Amut-amutan, shatung tan
balnaa’y Bawet. 

II.
Talaranan mu’y amam
Wala’y awit tun pansit
Tan kineler. 

Unsabi’y bai’m ya akidasal
Tan amurbur ya rosal
Ya mampabalingit ya altar. 

Batik kad nanam Rosie
Ta itdan to ka’y sinsilyon
Ya isaliw mu’y sarsaparilya. 

Agka ni unuugip
Ta dengel mu ni’y laki
Wala’y istorya tu natan 

Nipaakar kuno nen saman
Sakey ya labin amisi-mis su bulan
Nen sara’y utut tinubua’y payak. 

III.
Ampait su palyan
Ipapakan dad siak.
Sa’y pising kuno
Pamparakel ya dala
Pampakasil ya laman
Pamparakey ya mata.
Aya sa lanang ya ibabagak
Nen amak ya masiba-siba’y pising
Ya sinagsaga’y inasin. 
Natan, nu nanunutan ko
Iraman ya salita
Singa wala’y naeekal
Ed siak
Balet umpapawil,
Umpapawil tan
Umpapawil
Ya singa elek
Ya ugaw. 
 
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Say Ermen 

Unsasabi, undadalan,
Mampapatanir, andi nu maminsan.
Unlilinggis, mitotongtong
Aga mansasalita, miti-miti,
Miyuelek tan mingunguyangoy.
Mambibilkag ya ikamen
Lalu nu anta to ya wala’y unalis.
Mambabalkot ed nunot
Ta nu unsasabi su sakey ya inaro,
Mampapanengneng ya anggapon dagem
Mantatalaran ed saray unsasabi
Mampapakabat ya anggapon ngaran. 
Balet, anta tayo
Ya sayan agi’y liket
Ya wadya la
Ta ungkakatok ed pwerta
Ya anggapon tanol
Tay say narerengel tayo
Say ermen. 
 

Soon to open

I will be working as a website content writer, probably, I'll be in front of the computer most of the time, and soon, this blogsite will have more words than in between recycled entries. See you soon...

Surface Tension (a true-to-life fiction)

The warm rays of the sun were making everyone happy that day. That is, everyone but me. I could not smile, as I had just received a text message asking me to meet him in that familiar spot near the nine muses of art.

When I was fifteen feet away from the place, I saw a languid face with two tired, bespectacled eyes reading an Oriental Mythology book. But when he saw me, he still greeted me with his usual sunshine smiles.

"Have you had lunch?" he asked.

"Not yet. Maybe later."

"I already did, but I can go with you if you want. I'm craving Kebab."

"Perhaps later. Now, what do you have to tell me? You said it is very important."

"I'm going to Spain, maybe in two weeks. I'll be working in an embassy. I'm not going to finish my course anymore."

"You told me that two days ago. I'm concerned with your not finishing your MA. You only have three units left; and your thesis is almost ready for defense."

"But I'm already tired. I have thought about this a hundred times and, now, I've made up my mind. I'm going to work abroad."

Three minutes of silence. I lighted a Marlboro menthol and puffed arrows of smoke in the air. My thoughts were streaming through my head. The facilities in our college are obsolete, not good enough to help students become more critical. The recent round of tuition increases does not guarantee improvements. More professors leave the university, while students drop out of school because of the high cost of education. You are insecure and frustrated about what seems to be stagnation. You are distressed by the problems of your family and friends. And you have discovered something new about me.

"I really would want to stay and finish my course, but I have to work. Maybe in the future, I'll return and study again."

"Is this because of the tuition increase in our college?"

"Well, yes. But I have bigger dilemmas."

"Am I one of those?"

"No. It's just that I have to pursue my plans or nothing will happen to me."

I opted for silence and dropped my cigarette; my lungs began to hurt.

"Have you already forgiven me?"

"What for?"

"For kissing you before?" I looked into his eyes, still questioning.

"No, that had nothing to do with my decision."

"Are you bothered that I'm gay?"

"I have no problem with that."

"Thanks."

"You need not say that. I really like you, as a friend. And as a brother perhaps."

"Friends?"

"Of course. Cheer up. We should be happy!"

He wrapped his arms around me.

"Hey, don't cry! I'm not used to it," he said.

Deep inside, I was drowning in a pool of tears. But he's right. I should be happy and gay.

He arranged his things, put his book inside his bag, and patted my shoulder.

"You must be very hungry. C'mon, you should take your lunch."

MAL(E)FORMATION

The social Construction of Masculinity in the Philippines

Imagine a very horrible situation. EDSA is slightly inundated. Time and space have been frozen due to terrible traffic congestion. A panicky male commuter feels hundreds of pinpricks spreading from his pubic area down to his shaky legs. His bladder is full. He is trapped in a freezing and jampacked bus. He needs to pee or else he will die of humiliation.

Fortunately for him, nearby and all along EDSA are the infamous pink urinals. The construction of these facilities was the idea of Metro Manila Development Authority (MMDA) chairman Bayani Fernando. According to Fernando, these structures will soon set the standard of cleanliness and community hygiene, especially among males who, like dogs, are known to be unrestricted public pissers.

However, the acceptance of such schemes still depends on how the Pinoy male views and values social constructions of masculine identities. The departure from blue as the usual color of "manliness" in the creation of male public domains such as comfort zones might be offensive or disturbing for some "macho" guys. They might even prefer to perform their manly ritual on a blue wall instead of the pink urinals.

Male, Male-er, Male-est
Gender, therefore, plays a vital role in the assumption of the meaning of colors, such as the blue for boys, pink for girls gender script. Though pink denotes femininity, Fernando believes its glaring hue will help commuters, pedestrians, and motorists notice street signs or locate public facilities. Simultaneously, as a state agency, MMDA also asserts its power through its men in blue.* We see these men, wearing blue shirts with big MMDA prints, dismantling sidewalk stalls and arresting ambulant vendors. They represent the masculine power, which still holds true to the state agency's agenda as a public regulator.

Thus, masculinity has deeper implications aside from the associations it has given to colors. It is not the opposite counterpart of the feminist view of femininity or female identity because it is not a defense or assertion of the biological and social identities of males.

For Michael S. Kimmel and Michael S. Messner, editors of "Men's Lives," an anthology of critical essays regarding masculinity, man's identity was developed through a complex process of interaction with the culture in which he learned the gender scripts appropriate to the norms of his society.

This means that although the individual male has biological foundations, which identify him as a male (sex organs, bone structure, XY chromosomes), the social identity he desires to assume is based on the masculine ideals and values ascribed by his society. These include gender scripts or symbolic meaning of masculinity (like the assumption that blue is for boys), socialization (how gender concepts are thought and learned by males), and the conscious/unconscious reading of men of the lives of other men, as well as their own.

Male as Text
Masculine text has always been part of people's lives. Even before the rule of boybands and punk rockers, the feudal-patriarchal era has produced landlords and male peasants responsible for the development of hu-"man" consciousness - in which men are supposed to lead society as tillers of land, and eventually as builders of industries and civilization.

With the rise of feminist and gay consciousness, masculinity/ male domination was deconstructed. The struggle of these marginalized groups to historicize the experience of male oppression led to feminist and gay narratives that negate masculine ideals. By mapping identities that are said to be "un-male/un-masculine," women and homosexual males have found their own identities.

Male iconography, which is a product of mass media's global production of popular images, is another rich source of the meanings that are attributed to masculinity. One example is the rise and fall of male icons, from politicians to pop figures.

Pressured by society, public figures eventually adjust to embody the ideals of their community. Their identities as males and popular figures are eventually read by their audience as icons or representations of their milieu - as part of the aspirations of the people themselves.

Meanwhile, the single, white/Caucasian, middle-class, and corporate attributes of masculinity have become the basic principles in creating male pop figures. A glaring example is the Asian boyband F4, who by sheer star power has catapulted the Taiwanese teleseries Meteor Garden to phenomenal popularity. The status and aspirations of four Asian/Taiwanese contemporary males embody the global construction of masculinity. They are rich, influential, popular, physically attractive, liberal, and materialistic. They assert themselves in the modern-day Taiwanese community as they encounter other struggling identities such as the undermined female character, as well as other males who unsuccessfully aspire to become one of them. Similar depictions of masculinity are also manifested by local groups Maskulados, The Hunks, and the defunct Rexona Power Boys.

With these textualities, masculinity as a concept could help us explain complex and problematic human relationships. By studying the unexplored masculinity through the looking glass of maleness, liberating ideas and solutions may soon emerge.

Male Liberation
According to gender theorist and activist Michael Kaufman, examining male violence as one aspect of masculinity will significantly help in preventing the continued abuse and domination of male power.

For Kaufman, men throughout civilization have created violent motives towards themselves as men (in their effort to preserve masculinity), towards other men (to protect individual masculinity), and towards women (to protect masculinity, as a male concern).

These violent instances have created social structures that further perpetrate abuse against homosexual men, women, and even men who fail to attain masculine identities. By becoming aware of such phenomena, we can understand such male fallibilities and ultimately prevent them from becoming normal conditions.

However, many matters regarding masculinity, including the study of masculinity in a specific cultural and social context, remain undiscussed. In the Philippines, masculinity as an area of gender study has not even raised the consciousness of the greater academe.

Although there are many studies regarding gay and female narratives, there have been no significant studies on the Filipino male and the issues that surround him. This is a challenge, to students and advocates of gender liberation, since the mapping of ethnic and cultural experiences will become difficult when globalization intensifies its bluring of lines between identities.

Such close examination can emancipate us from our own experience of male/social violence; help us explore our conditions of gender inequity and probe the meanings we attribute to our popular symbols or colors.

It is time that we see these things in the pink of health.

Sources:
Men's Lives, Kimmel, Michael S., Messner, Michael A. (eds), Boston: Allyn and Bacon Press, 2001.

* Although for some, it seems that Fernando has colored the sidewalks and streets not only with oppressive regulations but with politics as well. Pink, as well as green, has been associated with Fernando during his near-decade rule in Marikina as city mayor. Sidewalk structures such as bike parks, urinals, railings, and even street signs were colored green and pink. These continue to be the dominant markers in Marikina with Fernando's wife, Marides Carlo Fernando's term as mayor.

Sa Ubasan

Tinawag ng tinatawag na mesiya ang mga manggagawa sa ubasan. Panahon na para anihin ang matataba at mapipintog at mapupulang ubas. Hindi na raw dapat antayin ang tagubilin ng may-ari ng napakalawak na ubasan. Panahon na raw para mapunta sa nagtanim ang inaning mga ubas at hindi sa gahamang kamay at bibig ng mga nakatira sa puting bahay sa burol. At kuminang ang mga talas ng pantabas.

“Ngunit tinatawag na mesiya, hindi ba ito paglabag sa batas ng may-ari ng ubasan na siyang nagbigay sa amin ng lupa at trabaho rito sa kanyang napakalawak na lupain?” tanong ng isang matandang manggagawa.

“Tama po, tinatawag na mesiya, batay sa inyong turo, hindi dapat daanin sa marahas na paraan na mauuwi sa pagkitil sa buhay ng tao ang paghahanap sa kasagutan sa mga sigalot at suliranin,” sulsol ng binatang manggagawa.

“Tama ang inyong mga naiisip, subalit dadaanin kong muli sa talinghaga ang aking sagot sa inyong mga tanong. Nawa’y sa palaisipan na ito magbunga ng liwanag ang mga pagdidilim sa inyong muni. Hindi ba’t tulad nitong mga ubas na ating inaalagaan, na halos hindi natin ipinadadampi sa dila o ngipin ng anumang kulisap o hayop, na halos isinasabit na natin sa ating mga balikat upang lumaking malusog at mapintog at mapula, ay atin ring tatagpasin at aanihin at ihihiwalay sa kanilang mga tangkay sa panahon ng anihan. Kung hindi ito magaganap, mabubulok ang mga ubas, tulad ng pagkabulok sa sinapupunan ng inyong mga anak na walang makain, tulad ng ng inyong kinabukasan sa lupaing ito na pinapataba ng inyong mga kamay at bisig, at ng mga uod mula sa inyong bangkay at mga kanunu-nuon. Kaya, humayo kayo, mga manggagawa sa ubasang ito, huwag nang hayaang ang paglaki at paglawak at pagtaas ng puting bahay sa burol. Simula ang pag-ani natin sa mga ubas sa pagkakamit natin at ninyo ng kung ano ang nararapat. Tayo ay magsipaghayo sa kapayapaan at poot at pagmamahal. Magsimula kayo sa pag-ani.”

At nagsimula ang pag-ani ng ubas, sabay-sabay ang mga kamay sa pagpitas ng mapipintog at mapupulang mga ubas. Nagmantsa sa isip ng mga manggagawa ang sinabi ng mesiya. Matapos ang anihan, hindi na muling nakita ng mga manggagawa ang mesiya na sinasabing patuloy na nangangaral ng mga palaisipan sa mga liblib na lugar at kabundukan. Doon, higit siyang nakilala hindi bilang pantas na tagapagligtas kundi isang pangkaraniwang tupa sa gitna ng madawag at mapanganib na kagubatan.

Nu yr

Hello, I decided to change my template. I hope that this will motivate me put more words into my blog. Nu yr! Nu optimism. I would wish myself to be more upbeat, creative, and of course...glamourous.

Huling araw ng oktubre

Huling araw ng oktubre

Maanlinsangan dito sa kinalalagyan ko, sa aming probinsya, sa isang internet shop. Nagugutom na ako pero hindi pa ako kumakain ng tanghalian, naghihintay sa mga kaibigan, sa isang minamahal. Naghihintay sa isang minamahal, sa pagdating ng kanyang pagmamahal, sa hindi darating na pagmamahal. Maalinsangan dito sa aking kinalalagyan, tulad ng mga gabing parang kumot na nakakapit ang pagmamahal sa katawan, parang sawang nakalingkis sa balat ng sinisintang mangingibig. Maalinsangan dito, at ang araw ay isang nakatungangang diyos, minamatyagan ang pagguhit ng mga gulong ng traysikel sa maalikabok na daan, binabalaan ang mga nababagot sa mga nakaambang maliliit na kamatayan. Maanlisangan dito, diyan ba?

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I texted this to my friends a while ago, I don't know how intelligent this idea that I have thought. Maybe hunger is just eating me: "How r u there? I'm fine here, I just had a loud n musical nyt at bonuan beach (meaning, videoeke galore). Ganun pa rin, embattled pa rin in love and war. I now understand some of the theories that abound interpersonal complexities, love is not a mystery, it is a mixture or solute of two opposing factors: desire and hatred. The two general emotions can combine into many different and limitless possible situations and each can be explained through the logic of late capitalism, heteronormativity, patriarchy, and the queer theory. Have a nice day!"

Pathetic, ano?!

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signing off...

Tula(la) lang...

Paumanhin, hindi ako makapanganak ng mga prosa, mapurol pa ako sa mahahabang pananalita. Idadaan ko muna sa talinghaga, sa tula ang pinakahuli kong statement sa buhay, sa mga makakaintindi, pagpasensiyahan ang aking mga kalituhan at kahibangan...

Pagmamatyag sa Kuwago
(para kay B, sa iyong pagtulog)

Ang pagtulog mo
ay paggising ng puso ko.
Nakahele sa hangin
ang pangamba ng paglisan
nitong katahimikang dala-dala
ng pahinga at iyong paghinga.
Bakit ang antok ay gising na gising
binabantayan ka,
nakayakap sa iyong dibdib,
nakahawak sa iyong palad.
Bakit ang antok ay di paghimbing
dahil nandito ka at mapayapang natutulog?
Bukas na bukas ang mga mata
nitong aking puso
isang di nahihimlay na ibong
humuhuni ng kaligayahan
at bulag na pagsinta
sa sanga ng puno
ng hatinggabi.

Sapagkat marahas mangusap ang mga dilang lasing

Itinutumba ng mga bote ng beer
Ang ulirat at ginagawang kaydaldal

Ang damdaming gumegewang, ang pusong
Sumisinghap na parang isdang pumupusag

Ngayong wala na ito sa tubig.
Sinisinok at sumisinok tayo ng mga salitang

Kay talas ng mga bubog ng basag na bote.
Bagama’t lahat ay buo pa rin, hindi naman nagagalusan,

Hindi naman tayo nasusugatan kundi nabibingi lamang
Sa dami ng mga bumubulwak na salitang

Isinusuka ng magulong-isip, ng nalulunod
Na utak, at tila inililipad ang ating mga sikmura –

Hanggang sa ang lahat ay mauwi sa darang
At mawalan ng giya ang libog.

Lumilikot ang mga katawang nangungusap ng apoy
At nagdarasal para sa panunubig at pamamasa,

Dito nagtatagpo, dito ikinakasal ang init
Na bumubulwak at paglalawa ng kaibuturang

Sumasabog. Dito mo kakalimutang lalaki ka at
Lalaki rin ako dahil sabay tayong hihinga at hahanapin

Ng mga dila ang daan tungo sa minimithing pagkatupok.
Naliliyo ka na ng alak at ako’y nalilinlang ng samyo

Ng iyong pawis at dulas ng laway mong lumilingkis.
Sa pagkakataong ito, pare, ang lahat ay mauuwi

Sa marahas na pagtatali ng mga dila dahil
Ang mga puso nati’y nadiskaril ng tren

Ng lasing at mapangahas na pag-ibig
Ng pag-ibig na nilasing ng kapangahasan.

Katamaran

Wala akong masulat kundi mga tuldok...